To the rescue! - a late entry.

I was supposed to write longer, and I was supposed to publish this on time, which was last year, shamefully... But I didn't so here it is. I needed to publish it, because oh dear I love my husband and I want to remember it. I don't have to, I just want to. I wrote this:
Last night, dear had been my rescuer - to my important gadget - my laptop. Such a common thing to do - such a simple thing to do for the IT literate people, but it meant so much to me.
I am behind my own schedule in my assignment - because my goal was to submit them today, but now I have two more left to do. I want to do the best, to produce the best result.

An adorable infant, a fast learning toddler and their happy aunt.

I will forever and ever and ever and ever remember my first ever babysitting job in my over 30 years of age. This happened just 2 weeks ago - and it's one of the best experiences I have in life. 

When I mention "best", those with babysitting experiences or simply put - mothers, may ( or may not ) give the quizzical stare, perhaps with accompanying anticipation on the elaboration. 

[then again, who am I kidding? there will be no mother reading this blog, nor anyone with or without babysitting experience, because this blog isn't ever read, EVER.]

Let me write down the process here so that I can read it over in the future and remember how I had felt throughout the whole process. What happens, how it happens, what is said, how it is said - are often only documentation-able. How one feels is normally what matters the most. 

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Don't believe me? Now imagine this... 

You are a new employee of a company. You hear about this person named Paul who annoys everyone to the bones. Well, you hear about it - which does not justify it strongly enough for you to feel that he is one annoying person. And the day comes when you are to be on the same project as this Paul guy. You find out that people think he is "annoying" because he corrects everyone's grammar. You perceive it differently because you are in the midst of learning how to use grammar perfectly. 

When it was just the two of you left in the meeting room...

You say to Paul: Hey Paul, thanks for your assistant. 

Paul shoots you a look and locks you in his stare. Slowly and carefully, he says "Thanks for my ASSISTANCE. Assistant is a person. I don't have one."

You realize your mistake and feels that he is a great person who is not afraid to stand up for the justice of proper English grammar and you like it. You thank him and silently recall the times when you had probably made this mistake over and over again - and yet those who knew about it did not bother to correct you. If it were not for Paul.............

So there, you feel thankful towards him. He makes you FEEL like he is able to help you. He makes you FEEL glad that you find this out. 

The breakdown of the elements here is simple:

What happened: You used the wrong noun and got corrected.

How it happened: Your colleague corrected you, though he did it in a sarcastic manner. 

He said: Thanks for my ASSISTANCE. Assistant is a person. I don't have one. 

How he said it: Mockingly, obviously.

How you feel about it: You're glad you're being corrected. 

Therefore, this concludes how you feel about this guy whom everyone at the office gets annoyed with so much. 

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Okay, so anyway........

My sister sent me a long text during work one day. She asked if it was possible for me to be back at our hometown to help with the two babies for a few days? Alright, I still call them babies because one of them is an infant, and another one of them is only a toddler. 

Being a toddler, an elder one - makes people set high expectations for them because if there are 2 things, people will tend to compare the two. It's human nature. If a person always compares themselves to others, it is called the Social Comparison Theory. Comparing two things - I don't know what it's called yet, but people are prone to comparing - no matter what and where and how. It helps in making decisions. But, there's a trap in there.

The toddler is called Shasha. It's short for Kyosha. 

The infant is called Leelee... or Kaylee.

My love for them is...skyhigh! 

It's become a norm for me to plan my very limited annual leave very carefully, and very skimpily. Nevertheless, the text I had received changed my priority naturally. I immediately said yes and made time for it. It just, really, automatically became my priority. 

My sister was guilty to the bones because of her decisions of going for the event in Pattaya. I told her it's totally necessary. A marriage should always be taken care of. You don't have to sacrifice your own life just because you have kids. If there are workarounds, let the workarounds work. It's all about choices. 

My sister being my sister - she prepared a whole list of childcare toolkit - a complete one I'd say, for me to refer to. Those rules and tips and tricks definitely helped me a lot especially after my mum had gone off to her job. 

My sister paid for the flight ticket, and I made the booking immediately. My husband did not follow me home this time, but I got his blessings to proceed. 

Fast forward to the day. ❤

My husband, as usual, sent me to the airport.

I tried avoiding everyone with the sniffing or coughing sounds... or those who sneeze. I was about to be in contact with the babies! I continued reading my book Go Ask Alice about a teenage girl who fell into the trap of the drug world. It was a fast read because it was only her journal. There were no difficult words. Only trendy words. Trendy back then, in the 1970s. 

And then, as we were queuing to board, the person behind me just kept on knocking onto my bag. Seriously, leave out some space between yourself and the person in front of you! What the hell is wrong with you?! I kept looking to the back, and I guess the person behind me had noticed it. She stopped doing so. Good girl! Grrr.......

In the plane, I still kept on reading the book, until the plane started moving. That was when I stopped. I knew  for sure that if dizziness were to hit me, it'd hard for me to recover, so it's always wise to avoid even starting to get dizzy if I can control it. 

When I'd reached, my beloved sister Natalie and her ever super kind husband came to pick me up. I am always glad to have them around - their presence is pleasant. My sister had a fever - poor her. At the same time, I was afraid that it was contagious. Again, I was going to be with babies, I should be clean at all levels - even in my talking. No cursing - AT ALL. 

We reached home, and my mum opened the door for me. I love my mother dearly. She hadn't been getting enough sleep but oh well - who has? I just wish her a better life - though I can only provide a small percentage to that, and I can only provide this very small percentage financially. My mum did seem a little agitated because of her lack of sleep. However, that night after a shower, I slept inside her room, and she slept with the babies. 

My mum was a little worried about leaving the two with me, but I convinced her that, that was the sole purpose I was there. 

The next morning was cozy. My mum was the only one downstairs. I went downstairs to spend some time with my mum. After having a simple breakfast with mum, she went to the kitchen to clean up etc.
That was when I heard Shasha crying. I went to see her and asked her if she wanted to see "something". I was glad to have bought her some cute utensils for no reason, and some stickers. She lighted up. Kids! It's sometimes too easy to please them. She was adorable when she smiled. I made her laugh a little, and then brought her downstairs. My mum prepared some breakfast. 

I had breakfast with Shasha, and then my mum went upstairs. Later after that, she came down with the baby. I was super in love with the baby. My goal is to never be distant from my nieces - and nephews. Oh, about that - my husband's brother's kids were normally scared and distant from us, but the last week I went to see them, I spent the whole time playing with them. They seemed to love me. Soooo--ooo---ooo---ooo happy about it! It was like a miracle!

My mum put the baby on the baby chair - the one which could be used as a bed, or a chair in front of the TV with BabyTV on, and the three of us had our breakfast on the dining table. Not long after that, Leelee shouted for our attention. It started gently, and then desperately. What a cute little bunny. Yeap to me she is a cute little bunny. I went to pick her up and she smiled immediately. I told you, they are easy to please! 

In fact, this baby had only cried when she was hungry - that's all. She didn't even cry when she pooped. Oh, another time is when she wants to be carried and no one is there to carry her. 

Mum was still around at home, therefore it was still all okay. This was the only day mum was home. She then received a text from my aunt that she was supposed to be ready to go over their house the next day. 

I was part nervous, part strong because I knew I would be the only adult around at home with the two little babies. I wondered how it was going to be. 

I slept with my mum and the two babies that night before. I needed to know what time they are up - or the baby only, despite the fact that my sister had written me those tips and schedule. 

The next morning...She quickly gave me some guides which she thought was useful for me. Indeed they were. The day before she had taught me how to bathe the baby, and what to do with the baby after the shower. Rub the eucalyptus oil on the top of the head, the chest, the back, and the feet. Mum also taught me how to wear clothes and change diapers for the baby. Tough job, but I loved it. Challenging at first - and then it got addictive. Being responsible for the baby's well-being became such a wonderful feeling. The desire of wanting kids is back on track. But of course, Allah knows better if I should have one, or not, or if yes, precisely when. 

And mum was already rushing up and down, preparing her stuff, because she needed to leave to my aunt's house. Mum didn't even have proper breakfast - but I made her some milk and made her eat some instant bun. After that, I was going to be with only the kids. I was nervous, honestly. After that, I went up to find that Shasha was awake. She wanted some dress with a pocket, but I couldn't find it, so I persuaded her to wear a dress with so-called wings.

Somewhere in the afternoon, mum sent me a text saying that she missed us all very much.

Back to little Shasha...

It was the day she started to have tantrums. She started to get agitated with things and wanted me to carry her. I forgot what made her agitated in the first place, but she then shouted and cried. I finally managed to get them both to sleep, though quite late in the afternoon. She had vomited but refused to change. After she woke up, she was okay a little bit. 

And then, that night, Shasha probably had a bad dream. She woke up every hour crying. She said she was itchy and needed scratching on her back. I wasn't sure how to make her feel better. Oh! The weird part was that, whenever she cried, the baby did not wake up or cry - and when the baby did, Shasha did not. But, when I made the slightest sound, they either woke up or moved. Oh gosh. Hahaha. I mean, that's unfair, dearest babies!! Kekeke...

Before sleeping, Shasha had vomited and claimed that she had been too full. I changed the mattress and persuaded her to change her clothes but she refused. Poor little thing.

The next day...
They both woke up pretty late because of the night before. It started okay until Shasha started off with tantrums which made me feel so sorry for her. She vomited and again, did not want to change, nor shower. The baby was crying at the same time because she was hungry. Maybe my time planning wasn't that smooth - I had to let one of them cry to care for the other. The toddler cried till she was almost voiceless. I wanted to cry, just thinking about it. She must have had suffered so much like that. Everything was just not right for her at the time. I couldn't - I just couldn't scream at her or anything. The only time when I raised my voice was when she pulled the baby's leg because it gave me the shock of my life - I was so afraid that the baby's leg got hurt or something. Baby Shasha was only 2 but she was strong! I wanted her to feel okay. On the way up to their room, she wanted me to carry her while I was carrying the baby.

I remember saying to my husband some time ago when we saw kids with tantrums..."No matter what, kids shouldn't have their way! They should be taught manners from young! " and other so-called disciplined "should,  must...etc." auxiliary verbs. When it came to myself, however, all those tantrums did not bring me any anger or impatience - I gently spoke to the toddler, though she wouldn't listen. I sympathized her, and all I wanted to do was to make it better for her - in any way that I could.
Now I admit that talking is easier than doing it. 

I made Shasha her milk, and then she slept in her grandma's room - though it was quite early in the morning. I didn't have the heart to tell my sister that she cried for her mum and that she cried till she vomited and was almost voiceless. I also managed to put the baby to bed after her milk.
They slept for about 2 - 3 hours. Now hear this...

When Shasha finally woke up from her nap, she was the loveliest toddler ever! She was adorable and she didn't want to open the room where her sister was sleeping because of the creaking sound on the door. She was being considerate that the sound would wake the baby up! It was a different her, compared to when she was being defiant - when she squeaked like an eagle would, knowing that you wanted to put the baby to bed. So I easily got her to shower, and then she was totally fine!

After that, her grandparents came over and took her with them to their house. I bet they missed spending time with her.
Natalie my youngest sister came over to the house to help me out with the dishes, the dog, the washing, etc.. bless her! She even brought me food for lunch. For breakfast, I made boiled eggs and gave cheese and cereals and milk to the toddler. Simple food, really. And I had loads of coffee to ensure that I was not sleepy throughout the whole day because my super sharp attention, a full alert was needed the whole time - it didn't matter if they were asleep or awake.

When the grandparents brought the toddler back home, they had informed my sister that the toddler had been crying the whole day. She slept for about an hour at their place. That night, something that Shasha said broke my heart. She said she wanted to go for a ride with her mum and dad. She looked for her Mickey Mouse helmet and told me a part of it was already broken. She put on her helmet and then changed her wanting to go for a ride to going to Everrise to buy vege. (cold sweat - hahahaha...) It was already 8pm plus, and in the end, I managed to get them both to go up to get some sleep. The baby had already slept, but Shasha wanted to get her Train Book. She wanted me to read for her. So I did. I read it so slowly and made it sound so boring, and she finally fell asleep.

She slept better that night.  She woke up only once from the itch that she mentioned. The fan from mum's room had helped a lot for their sleep. Otherwise, the room was pretty stuffy because of the air-conditioner. It was probably spoiled.

The next morning she was even better. She was easy, though it was already my last day with the two cuties. I miss them so much I'm very tempted to get a flight ticket home. Shasha did not eat much - but when Natalie and her husband came to the house, they brought Chicken Rice and Shasha took some.

That night, I went home with so much soft spots in my heart. I could still hear the baby, Shasha's voice, and I missed them terribly, though I had also missed my husband damn much and I was glad to be able to see him soon. I was also partly worried about Shasha that night because she was going to yet sleep in the night with other people apart from her own mother, or her grandma. She was just getting used to me, and I was already leaving.

At the airport, all I could do was playing back the videos of the baby and seeing the photos of Shasha. I did not manage to record Shasha on video. I couldn't believe the experience I had gone through on babysitting my two favorite little girls. I couldn't believe that I even knew how to make them their milk or shower them or make them go to sleep. It was just amazing. I could not wait to go back to see them again. I initially had planned to go back in August, for Leelee's birthday, but now I think I can't wait that long. I need to go back right after my exam. Or BEFORE my exam. This time I will bring my husband back with me.

Ahhh I miss home. But because I do, I need to make sure that my work and my studies are well taken of here first!

What's inside my bag

The title of this post is my common search on the web. Why? Really, I just love imagining a life away from my own. Why? I have no friggin' idea. Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I just am normal like the others - so I complain and imagine. Then, great things happen and I get down on my knees and give thanks.

So, here we are, without further honey dew... (you see, I am trying to be funny here, though it doesn't work all the time)
......let's go to the details of what's inside my bag.


Happiest news: I bought a new bag! It's Loius Feraud Paris - I don't even know what brand it is, but it's good - I love it to the max. The feeling to it is just... eccentric, and I have yet to see anyone using this bag - it's not a well-known brand for sure. For some reason I love it like that.

I got this bag as a reward for myself - for being who I am. (whatever, I just bought a bag, full stop)

The front zipper is interesting. It's huge. 

The whole texture of this bag makes me believe that the contents will be safe from water, dust, visibility, nosy people (because it's dark inside, and it's rather deep...which makes it dark and deep.), and of course from a simple slash of the pen knife - which is normally done by the shallow minds...you know, those people who are too lazy to work, and are always looking for shortcuts to get what is not theirs. Shame on you, thieves. Shame on you.

The strap is pretty tough looking too. It also feels like it will not be easily cut through - of course I could be wrong, because there are many samurais out there which are seriously sharp.

Oh... another thing! I can use it as a handbag, or a backpack purse. Ngiahahahaha. I'm loving it!

This is the back of the bag - It's always a plus to have a little zipper at the back, even though my current phone is too big to fit in there. This little zipper will always be the nearest to my body - it gets to feel my body heat the most. I'm not saying that I should hatch an egg in there - I'm just letting you know that I would probably keep my notes in there - so that you can't steal it from me. Hey only kidding!

This is the inside of the bag. Not as deep as dark in this picture, and definitely not as mysterious or as interesting as I had put it earlier, but whatever. This is only a picture. You may come to me and ask to have a peek inside it, to feel how deep and dark it is. To my useless defense, this picture was taken with flash - giving it some brightness and hopes for the future. I had to use the flash. Our house is dark - but not deep. It's just dark and cozy - just the way we like it.

Moving on to the contents.

Here, you may see that I have a whole load of things. And I also know what catches your eyes first. It's the word "Adultery" there, isn't it? Seriously, this is one of the books with a very misleading title. The book is filled with innocent phrases and lessons. It is also educational. Now that I know in Switzerland, people are known as unfriendly but they actually do talk to each other in the buses. Amazing, is it not? Initially I was quite embarrassed to read this book in the open because it looks like a full-swing sex book, but it's really not. There's no detail in making love, even. It's not dirty - not at all. The author who got really famous because of his Al Chemist really did try to put in an effort in making us feel like we are cheating (adventurous in that sense), but it really isn't working. Well, apart from the meaningful lines the author puts in, there really isn't much which intrigues me. I need to finish it anyway - I'm already half way through! I need to get the alchemist, since there had been many praises about that book. This is the challenge these authors need to face. They write a really good book, and their good book is compared to all the others written by them. I feel sorry for them, but I don't feel for them. Duh, I don't have a book published, at all. Not even close. Ha, Ha, Ha.

Gosh I spent so many lines about the book. 

Okay, for the Muslims, they will immediately recognize what this is - it's my prayer mat. It's only for the Sujud - the part where my forehead and my nose need to touch the "ground" or the prayer mat. That's why I only need to have the small one. I know it's supposedly irrelevant, but it's for hygiene purposes. I use the Shoebag (clean one, of course, from a hotel in Ho Chi Minh City) to keep my praying mat and the praying veil - the top one, because I can easily get any bottom one at any praying room. 

I am indeed a sinner, and I know I can't ever be perfect - I will keep sinning (Please no...) but I am trying to improve, to have my sins reduced - to be forgiven. 

You know, before I was a Muslim, I criticized people whom I had known to pray 5 times a day - but acted like barbarians... I used to say this: What's the point praying if they know that they are going to sin again? What are they trying to prove? 

Until I am a Muslim myself - then I know that Muslims pray because:

1.) It's the command of Allah - who are we to argue that?

2.) Faith needs to be constantly renewed all the time

3.) We need to ask for forgiveness all the time... all the time. Whether our sins are forgiven or not, that's entirely up to Allah S.W.T.

One of the reasons I got the bag was that it is big enough for me to fit this essential in. 

This book was a gift from my dear husband, before I got married to him. I was already a Muslim then, but a new one. It was in year 2012 that he bought me this book. I remember the year because I remember my 2 cute ex-colleagues ( one guy and one girl - they were in one of my best memories in my previous company, and that year, we were in a fast track program in becoming young managers. Not that young - I meant junior in position ) were sort of arguing what I should have been doing. 

Guy: Sepatutnya, bukan baca yang ni dulu. (You're not supposed to read this first). 

Girl : Biarlah dia baca ..... (Let her be.. let her read it first)

Guy: Yang ni bukan basic...( This is not the basic step ) 

Girl : Tau... tp jangan la halang dia baca yang ni... ( I know it's not, but don't restrain her from reading whichever she wants first )

Okay, the guy was implying that I should have gone into the basic understanding of Fardhu Ain first - to understand what Islam is all about first. But I was clueless as to what he meant, of course. I thought this book was supposed to be simple for me. It was in English, and it was easy to bring around. But back then when I tried reading this book, I still couldn't understand it. I guess the guy was right. His name was Helmi. My other ex-colleague was Aishah. I miss them. I miss the past, where I could have so much fun without being judged as not being serious. I mean, as we grow older, we are naturally expected to be just as responsible, just as serious as how adults are supposed to be, and to be as serious as we are supposedly supposed to be. With the bunch in my previous years, we could laugh as hard as we wanted because we were still young and we were only trying to climb the ladder to be among the middle top.

Anyway, I had then left this book at the shelf until recently when I picked it up and tried reading it again. Now that I understand the basics...gosh, it is a super good book with great contents - it contains translation of Al- Fatihah, and because of this book, I was able to memorize what Al- Fatihah meant. Before this I tried searching the meaning on the web ( of course I meant Google ), and even copied them down, but I just could not have it stuck in my head. Now I have memorized almost what every line means.

May Allah bless my dear husband for getting me that book. Such a small book but the cost is RM 18.90. We got it at Borders at the Curve, Damansara. In the evening. I remember so much! Hehehe.

Now this precious wallet is a gift from my Mother In Law. I just call her Mak. She got this from Australia in December 2013. She said it was on sale, so it was crazy cheap, but I don't care. I love it!!!! I'm quite fond of this Texas brand - it's like a dream come true when I got it from Mak. This thing looks really tough - it still looks new for some reason, and there is no way I am getting another purse. It looks like I can use this wallet until the end of time.

Okay, I have a calculator inside my bag. I need to have one. 

I am not a natural calculator. Some people can just count in their head - out loud or not... and get the answer. I guess the most I can count inside my head is 8 - 2 = 6. Nah, just kidding, but I am humble that way. Kidding again.

To be very honest with you, and with myself, this device which had been given to me by an ex-colleague in 2012, has been with me ever since, and it has done me such a good...deal. I use it to calculate my loans, imaginary money, salary, over time claims... age (yea, you read it right)... and whatever that is needed to be calculated. When percentage is involved, I am dead. You can only stare into my eyes like they're the black hole. I'd be totally lost like GPS Signal Lost on repeat.

My adorable friend (Keen Keen) , whom I had recently met during our breakfasting get-together asked me, "WHY do you need a calculator in your bag? You have a calculator in your phone, right?" I was a little flabbergasted in the question - because it's like asking a person..."Why do you have a notebook in your bag, when you can just write down every note in your phone."

Oh well, it was a good question because it made me question myself too. I wanted to say: I love keyboards - but that would make me sound like a lunatic - even though I didn't mind it, because we were all lunatics. Hahahahaha. So, the more practical and logical answer would be - Just in case my phone dies. But, oh well, I don't think I even got to the answer part before the topic changed. 

How I miss my friends!

Next is this cute bunch of keys to paradise. I love how the colorful key head holders are. I got them really cheap from the ever so famous Mr. DIY. Go get yourself one! It's a very convenient thing to have, and it adds no weight. Of course it does at some point, but the functionality really overwhelms the very little weight. 

1.) It's colorful, so it's quite easy to find, even inside the deep and dark handbag.

2.) The rubber is easy to feel, especially when I can't see inside the deep and dark handbag. 

3.) Your hands / fingers won't hurt when you twist the keys to open doors or locks.

Seriously. Go get one! It's less than RM5. (I can't remember the exact price)

LIP ITEMS

These are for my lips. The longest stick (Megastick- Wet and Wild) called the Balm Stain, is just cool. It's given to me by my best friend 2 months ago, and I have been using it ever since. 

The sphere thing is a lip moisturizer. Extremely cute. Smells good too, you know?

The silver colored one is just a wrongly bought lipstick from Silky Girl.

SKIN ITEMS

Next come these items. I love them. 

The Cocoa Butter Oil by Palmer has helped me during my chicken pox in 2010, therefore it's kind of like my savior to my skin. If you'd like to see how I had looked like during the chicken pox time, please leave a comment. Just kidding. No one reads this. This blog is just so forever alone, but I love it that way. 

And the BB Cream or the BB Stick is just great for every day use, though I only use it when I remember to use it. 

The Enchanteur is a great product - I love the smell. I wanted to get the Mon Amie, but it was not the turn for the batch to arrive, as told by the Guardian salesgirl. I got this lotion for just RM1 because it's the smallest you can find on the planet. It's supposed to be given for free as a sample, but everything just needs to be charged somehow.

This one is my mirror. It was given to me by my husband...He won this during one of his training back at work in 2014. I think it's the most convenient mirror I have ever had in my entire life. Oh well, the size is just nice, and it's not heavy at all.

These are just - you know what they are for. 

That 4Fingers wet tissues are probably never going to be used, unless I'm somewhere in the jungle, or after eating a messy burger in the middle of the desert. It holds simple but sweet memory for me. I got it from the restaurant in Singapore, when I went to visit my best friend, Julie. My husband was (and is) just so nice to let me go to Singapore on my own.

Tissue is such an important thing to carry around. Forget the feminism or whatever you call it. Think about the practicality of it. It's super useful in ALL situations.

CLEANING ITEMS

From top, clockwise. 

1.) Shampoo - but it acts as my cleaning agent, just in case I need to wash my hands, or my legs...

2.) Soaps - back then we used to go unexpected road trips. When we did so, we sometimes went too far (location), so during the night when we needed to crash somewhere with the lowest expenditure ever (a super cheap motel without soap for shower, or at the R&R). Here's the history of the soap - it just becomes a habit. 

3.) Toothbrush - rather convenient, don't you think?

4.) Gel Sugi (or the miswak gel) 

EYE ITEMS

For my eyes - Honestly, I SELDOM, almost never use any of these. The Maybelline mascara is waterproof - I can only conveniently wear mascara when I am on my menses (which means I will be excused from praying). Otherwise it's a mess and it's a trouble for me to take them off my eyelashes. I don't know how many minutes will be needed. When I do it too harshly, I tend to peel off my own eyelashes. They are already almost non-existent, man!

The eyeliner from Silky Girl is a disaster. I don't really know why I still have them. I guess this blog will help me to stop buying Silky Girl eyeliner. It's not costly, it's true, but the quality comes with the price. I would still buy the lip products though. 

The colorful stickpins are for my shawl - just in case I wear a shawl, which is almost quite rare. The small bag was a souvenir from a manager back in my previous company, many years back. If I am not wrong, I got it back in 2011. Janet is her name, but she has probably forgotten that she had given those souvenirs. It's just my appreciation. It's practical and useful. 

The other two are sewing kits I got from random hotels. They are pretty useful. Just in case I have a hole and I have the time and place to do my stitching.

The transparent bag contains Disprin, a type of aspirin which served me really well when I had my menstrual pain back before my miscarriage in Oct 2014. Weird, after the miscarriage, I have no more menstrual pain. The small packaging also contains plasters in different shapes and sizes. Next to it is my lighter. I got that lighter back in 2013, and it has been with me ever since. I don't smoke. The other item is a candle. Just when I was taking picture of this, my husband asked me the same question as what you're probably thinking of now: Why do you need a candle in your bag? I didn't even look at him. I just answered: "We'll never know, dear. We'll never know". And of course, there's a glow-stick/flashlight/whistle with me. 

Apocalypse could happen any time. These things may help in the first hour.

These items keep me sane. Yes, they may change every year.... but I need pages and pages and pages to write down my frustrations and my dreams and my goals and everything! Pens and notebooks. The black one is    for almost everything, whereas the colorful one is for merely journal-like entries.These things cannot leave my side , NEVER! Nungka! I just love them so much. So much.

Next is this. Well, I used to have long nails and I used to decorate my nails. Not in an expensive way, but the interest was there. Now that I've been advised to keep my nails short for hygiene purposes which is also easier for Wuduk (cleansing before prayer), I have been carrying this with me wherever and whenever (unless I go out for a late night movie). This is by far the best nail-clipper I have gotten myself. The best. The key-chain is from my best friend. She got it from Barcelona. I love the colors. It also helps me to locate my nail-clipper.

This is supposedly a small coin pouch, when we bought Julie's product. I don't really have to remember the year of everything that is bought, but I think this one goes way back in 2012. I use it for my earpiece. Yes, this metal thing adds weight to my bag, but it's easy to use. I won't need it all the time - I mostly need it when I am in the bus (to the airport), or in the plane (to go back to my hometown, or for travelling or whatever)...

Just one of the sweets that I would not mind chewing if I need mint. It has chocolate inside. I guess Dynamite means something. 

This red pouch is used to store all my lip, eye, skin, cleaning items. It's also used to store my nail clippers. And candle. And lighter. 

Last but not least, my pair of socks. I need these for various reasons. You can think of them, I'm sure. And of course these are clean! 

Not in picture : PHONE, and its charger. 

I can't believe I have actually made a post about this, though I am probably the one and only person who would read this over and over again. Hahahaha.

Okay, FYI, or FMI (for my info), these things are just basic things inside my bag - they are with me almost all the time, especially during work days. But if I were to add in EVERY ITEM for my work days, I have to tell you that I have missed out my work laptop, the adapter, the pencil case, my work tag, my work diary,.... etc....

I have tried my very best in ensuring that my bag contains only the needed things - but I can't. I need all of these inside my bag. ALL. 

Love ya, things inside my bag. Please take care of yourselves well. 

Silenced

Hello.
That's all I dare to give. Just this greeting. All other contents of my verbal actions may just betray everything on universe. Lying will cause my heart to hate me, my brain to degrade me of my intelligence, and of course - my soul to cry. Telling the truth will give a definite of nil solution (aha! now that I mention solution, I bet you can easily guess that my telling of the truth is linked to the word problem. Obviously it is, and I am not going to lie). So, I do what I do best - PREVARICATING!
Unless trapped in their parents' house with the strongest adherent of unicornish-rainbowism all their life, a person my age is sure to have problems. The only obvious variable here is the degree of criticality of the problem. (Criticality is not a formal word - it's more like a word found in the urban dictionary; but who is auditing me?!).

Let me just prevaricate a little further into the confusion you are already in. (Confusion, if you are not a critical thinker, because I am a wannabe. I want to be a critical thinker, so I am assuming that a critical thinker should be reading my critical writing. An amateur here. Please understand my joke.)
An insane person could own my name, one sweet day. This silence I am forced to be in by the situation surrounding it, together with the little respect I am owing, the avoidance of more abhor - is driving me to that direction of insanity at selected times. Logic reasoning is seemingly out of the broken window. I am therefore silenced, with the demand of fully integrated hopes and dreams, that peace holds the highest percentage in daily life pie chart.

Now, here is the power of silence. The cowardly power which had surfaced based on yet another silent observation.

Good Night. Sleeping is the best form of gamble (sometimes people don't wake up) - which has a high guarantee of achieving escapism as a gift.

Wallahualam.

No One Knows

Ironically, this is posted here on the public page. Public is just the name, though it is indeed an open link - to remind me to not write dishonoring details about this sacred official love tie that I have with my other half. In fact, the word "half" isn't a very correct word to use in a marriage where we are sometimes too blended as one - too complacent ; causing the pure absence of shame or courtesy at times. Now that it's written in words, gosh it sounds terrible. We are two complete people, with own perceptions which may be influenced by each other in time (as I have mentioned; blended), attitudes; which also have the same potential to blend, as well as all others which can be developed from time to time - like beliefs, or interests, habits, culture - whatever it is that is related in our breathing moments. There is one thing, though, which cannot ever be changed: our backgrounds - which in fact bring us to a place where we sometimes argue with one another, or disagree (aren't they the same thing?), and which also cause our approaches to be different. This is too deep, so F it okay? I don't want to start on my assignment yet - not here. No psychological shit to be written down here. Perhaps I have done so, perhaps I am doing it now - who cares. 

Well, no one knows. No one knows what our struggles are. I wouldn't know yours too, if I don't ask you about it. OR if I don't make myself a CCTV of your life - to watch you and observe you. 

No one knows how hard it is to - hold back a tear when you get to finally - fill an essential need. 

No one knows how hard it is to tell the truth about - your struggles. 

No one knows how hard it is to struggle. 

No one knows how hard it is to put up a smile or to go on a normal routine - staging up to get through the days - to avoid questions, to avoid breaking down. 

No one knows how hard it is to keep a secret - to not be able to tell - to be trapped in - forget it. It's not a secret, it's just - 

I have no justification on the repetition writing. Some words are not able to be blurted out. Simple words which mean something are not all the time simple words to be blurted out smoothly. 

I just personally feel like this world has no easy answers. Not in my life, not in my parents', perhaps. It's mostly what they say grey areas, loopholes, whatever you call it - the in-between(s). The relations of whys and because(s) are just too complicated. I admit, I am highly inarticulate, which makes me a terrible communicator, but I cannot ignore the enormous routes of relations like the root cause or actions or maybes to a problem, or to a statement. It's never easy, is it?

For an example; 

Problem: I am poor (and they say I can't say this because it means I am not being thankful and that I am complaining which will upset the Almighty One)

Possible causes: 

(1) I did not ask for a higher salary (inner or outer voice : don't blame yourself because you are already doing your best. It's much better than before, okay! )

(2) I am not hardworking enough to work two jobs (voice: you are fat and tired all the time, and you have more than enough in your plates - your never ending assignments, your never ending work which is never ending. you have not even re-watched The Never Ending Story I, II, & III) 

(3) My husband is not rich (voice : it's fate. accept him as it is) 

(4) My husband is not hardworking enough to work more than a job (voice : there's roof above my head, I have a place to sleep, I have food to consume to live, and I probably have extra food to eat which could reverse the phrase into live to eat. so, don't complain. he's tired too... he's only human. he's - okay next)

(5) My family isn't rich (voice : it's not your dang fault. you should make it better for them, but please read back the problem.) 

(6) I don't know how to kiss ass (voice : you can't pretend, it won't last. you know yourself better than anyone else. you can't even pretend to smile. the smile never reaches your eyes and you give away too much, and then confrontations normally come - or awkward moments. Always!)

(7) I have no management sense in my own financial. I suck at it. ( but Y.O.L.O!)

(8) I don't pray enough ( voices on facebook and sometimes from religion experts : praying has to be sincere otherwise it will not work - too obvious to be written down, or verbally produced)

And, remember all the Could Have(s), Should Have(s), If Only(s)? These too!

For no apparent reason:
Side thinking and defenses, and sometimes imaginary replies to imaginary statements:-

I acknowledge that some races are pretty lazy and relaxed in every situation. Being poor is an unfortunate state any human can be in. 

For an example: 

Race A lady is poor and lazy. And some unfortunate tests are cast upon her. She is all alone, and ... sad.

Race B lady is doing fine, because she's hardworking and wiser - perhaps because she learns it the hard way. She probably learns it from her ancestors. She probably has more senses. These tests are not cast upon her. 

The story about Race A lady leaks on the social media. 

However sad, Race A lady looks relaxed and accepts it as her written fate... and many good Samaritans willingly enslave themselves to ask for funds from the public out of humanity. 

Secretly, Race B lady would think: Go get a job! Work hard! Why do you allow yourself to live in such pitiful life? It's laziness! 

Seriously sometimes it scares me that I am able to tell from both sides. Is this just empathy, or is this a false compassion? OR ................. do I have multiple personality disorder? No, I don't. It's just past and experience. 

My point here is, I am living in two worlds. I'm afraid it has caused me more fear than any trace of optimism. No one knows my true personality. Knowledge is good, but it causes dilemma - instead of giving me proud moments.

Good night. 

bitter

at times... yeap i love to use this phrase so leave me alone.

at times... i AM bitter. leave me be.
people who still love me during this kind of time when sarcasm gives me the best pleasure and obnoxious attitude relieves me from the hypocritical dizziness, are the people who are still by my side. for an example, my other bitter half.

i do describe us as two disgusting, bittersome duo made of ogre's temper  but we are not. we are just two lazy people waiting for the right time for things to go right.

that's it. stop bothering me with imaginary questions inside my head.

i know you don't get a single thing i am saying, but you shouldn't.

read for pleasure, not for understanding; if the materials you are reading are not:

1.) an agreement
2.) a manual
3.) a memo
4.) a letter
5.) instructions
6.) academic

is that alright with you?

Kung o.k. lang sayo. (tagalog)

signing off with the darkest chocolate ever produced. 200% cocoa!

Perfect Few Hours

With the last few days of struggles with those heartless papers, I lost a good deal of sleep, I fought to stay away from my source of happiness - my books and movies and romantic times with dear...

Last night I finally had the chance to watch a fantastic movie Love, Rosie. I read the book more than ten years ago, and I loved it. The movie - oh my, it is just the perfect type of movie I love - something between reality and fantasy. The writer was only 23 when she wrote the story! I'm proud of her! Okay, she isn't my daughter, but I am still proud of her!  She's Irish - and of course we are not related. Except maybe through the first line - because we're all from prophet Adam. 

Back to the point - Cecelia Ahern rocks. So beautiful ; so serene-looking and definitely has the mind filled with such focused imagination.

 

When I read this book back in my younger days, I thought it was hilarious and magical. Now, 12 years later, I watch the movie and the magical feeling just resurfaces. I mean, I should have believed that true love is mere fantasy, should have known that there is only such thing as marriage and responsibility - now that I'm married, with responsibilities. OF course loveship and bestfriendship and soulmateship really happen in a marriage, but well, true love is more like - a fantasy. The love that I have now is more like love and care for family - not the butterfly in my stomach kind. (Additional Info : butterflies are probably intoxicated in my acidic stomach, and they probably drown in those saturated fat). My point is - FINE, I don't particularly have a great point here - I just want to say that I watched the movie happily last night, and went to sleep and had a great dream about me being back in hometown, with the usual routine of having afternoon tea with my grandma, and woke up happy, because I had sufficient sleep, with a bonus of a peaceful dream. And I woke up and made myself some breakfast, since my husband was still asleep, I watched another movie which I thought was only a chick flick, but made me cry like a suffocated elephant. It was a good movie, nevertheless. Name of movie : If I Stay. But yea, those were my perfect few hours. I can't wait for the whole examination to be over in order to feel fully liberated for a good 2 months or more. 

I love chick flicks. What's wrong with that...? 

I love The Walking Dead too, which is not a chick flick. It's a friggin zombie flick! 23rd October, peeps! (Just in case more than 1 person reads this blog..HAHAHA)

Good night, world! it's 1.21 A.M. 

Quiet Saturday

Others are still in the melodic mood of the muslim festival - taking this chance to visit , keep in touch with their loved ones - near and far - which perhaps would be awkward if done at any other time of the year. 

My introverted other half is getting some payback sleep since his insomniac disease cannot seem to cure - despite coffee-less, full milky night. Milky as in the successful attempt to drink warm milk, for once an obedience portrayed by him towards the traditional advice around the world - in the most literal sense. This is a clean statement -  even though I am unsure of the reason of the necessity I find to provide the explanation. 

I, on the other hand, try to resist all the forceful attempt in reading those fictions which I can hear calling my name, to visit my half-written so-called fiction, and to colour those pages purchased for the fun and therapy - as some put it; to reluctantly focus on the past year papers at this age - the age to nurture the young, or relax, or to print more valuable national currency notes. Print more as in make more money - it's just a metaphor (just in case this blog is ever found by trouble finders who seem to need to put people behind bars.). I have set some goals for myself - to pass these papers with at least some colours, if they can't fly. I am running out of time... and in all seriousness and truthfulness, I have yet to prepare for the teleconference I have invited everyone around Malaysia to join. Speech is a must to prepare. After so much mess throughout all these years, I have learnt that preparation and planning are siamese twins where if you operate them they will die so will you. If using the phrase is an offensive statement to many then in another way I'd put it would be as the most passionate, addicted lovers who cannot live without one another. I am profoundly shallow, if that makes any sense at all. 

Beautiful, noisy minded Saturday afternoon. 

family first

Without family, we wouldn't be where we are right now.

Without their prayers, we would still be in the past, struggling to get out somewhere.

We are still struggling. We are still undoubtedly struggling, but our struggles are made easy because of our family. 

It's all about the family - it should be 90% about family, and 10% about self. 

I'll just provide the simplest example, the smallest family ever. Dear and myself. Myself is myself. For an example, if I loved dancing, which I do not, and dear prefers going to the mountains, I would prefer going to the mountains with him because going to the mountains may create more memories for me with him, rather than going for dance on my own. 

Just an EXAMPLE. 

No dancing or going to the mountains, okay...

A more realistic example would be this: 

Dear prefers watching captain America in the civil war or whatever you call it. 

And I prefer watching Mother. You know, the mother's day movie... about mothers... duh. 

In the end, from my end, I will give in to watch captain America with him, rather than going to watch Mother on my own - unless he says fine, let's go watch Mother. 

Okay, enough of achieving a non-achievement which is blogging for no reason. Let me get back to achieving my real sense of achievement. 

I miss my family. 

new life in March

we are blessed with great parents. literally dear's parents, in this case, even though legally my parents since i'm tied to him for life.

only the one above all things knows what they have done for us.

-------- this is a very, very delayed continued post--------

dear's parents ... my in laws... they are really, really wonderful. they helped us in any way that they can. they are just there somehow, to help out, reminding  me that i have a family here...reminding me that i am loved. 

New Life, because we are finally settled in our own crib ... still abah's for now, but at least we are not paying to borrow cribs from strangers anymore. it's really a blessing. Allah loves us all... Allah does. 

from the bottom of my heart, even though this is such a short post, i would like to announce to whomever is able to read this - that i am really grateful to be married to my dearie dear husband, even though we quarrel 99.32% of the time. this is the path Allah has set for us, and whatever it is, we are only able to plan, but Allah decides. 

another short update just to remind myself for no reason .... i miss home as in my home home, and most of all i wish i could go back to see my grandma who just got out of the operation. like jaclyn said, we are such a small family but it's a good thing that we love each other and we are very close to each other. i love my mamah! 

okay, that's all i'd like to say for now.