bitter

at times... yeap i love to use this phrase so leave me alone.

at times... i AM bitter. leave me be.
people who still love me during this kind of time when sarcasm gives me the best pleasure and obnoxious attitude relieves me from the hypocritical dizziness, are the people who are still by my side. for an example, my other bitter half.

i do describe us as two disgusting, bittersome duo made of ogre's temper  but we are not. we are just two lazy people waiting for the right time for things to go right.

that's it. stop bothering me with imaginary questions inside my head.

i know you don't get a single thing i am saying, but you shouldn't.

read for pleasure, not for understanding; if the materials you are reading are not:

1.) an agreement
2.) a manual
3.) a memo
4.) a letter
5.) instructions
6.) academic

is that alright with you?

Kung o.k. lang sayo. (tagalog)

signing off with the darkest chocolate ever produced. 200% cocoa!

Perfect Few Hours

With the last few days of struggles with those heartless papers, I lost a good deal of sleep, I fought to stay away from my source of happiness - my books and movies and romantic times with dear...

Last night I finally had the chance to watch a fantastic movie Love, Rosie. I read the book more than ten years ago, and I loved it. The movie - oh my, it is just the perfect type of movie I love - something between reality and fantasy. The writer was only 23 when she wrote the story! I'm proud of her! Okay, she isn't my daughter, but I am still proud of her!  She's Irish - and of course we are not related. Except maybe through the first line - because we're all from prophet Adam. 

Back to the point - Cecelia Ahern rocks. So beautiful ; so serene-looking and definitely has the mind filled with such focused imagination.

 

When I read this book back in my younger days, I thought it was hilarious and magical. Now, 12 years later, I watch the movie and the magical feeling just resurfaces. I mean, I should have believed that true love is mere fantasy, should have known that there is only such thing as marriage and responsibility - now that I'm married, with responsibilities. OF course loveship and bestfriendship and soulmateship really happen in a marriage, but well, true love is more like - a fantasy. The love that I have now is more like love and care for family - not the butterfly in my stomach kind. (Additional Info : butterflies are probably intoxicated in my acidic stomach, and they probably drown in those saturated fat). My point is - FINE, I don't particularly have a great point here - I just want to say that I watched the movie happily last night, and went to sleep and had a great dream about me being back in hometown, with the usual routine of having afternoon tea with my grandma, and woke up happy, because I had sufficient sleep, with a bonus of a peaceful dream. And I woke up and made myself some breakfast, since my husband was still asleep, I watched another movie which I thought was only a chick flick, but made me cry like a suffocated elephant. It was a good movie, nevertheless. Name of movie : If I Stay. But yea, those were my perfect few hours. I can't wait for the whole examination to be over in order to feel fully liberated for a good 2 months or more. 

I love chick flicks. What's wrong with that...? 

I love The Walking Dead too, which is not a chick flick. It's a friggin zombie flick! 23rd October, peeps! (Just in case more than 1 person reads this blog..HAHAHA)

Good night, world! it's 1.21 A.M. 

Quiet Saturday

Others are still in the melodic mood of the muslim festival - taking this chance to visit , keep in touch with their loved ones - near and far - which perhaps would be awkward if done at any other time of the year. 

My introverted other half is getting some payback sleep since his insomniac disease cannot seem to cure - despite coffee-less, full milky night. Milky as in the successful attempt to drink warm milk, for once an obedience portrayed by him towards the traditional advice around the world - in the most literal sense. This is a clean statement -  even though I am unsure of the reason of the necessity I find to provide the explanation. 

I, on the other hand, try to resist all the forceful attempt in reading those fictions which I can hear calling my name, to visit my half-written so-called fiction, and to colour those pages purchased for the fun and therapy - as some put it; to reluctantly focus on the past year papers at this age - the age to nurture the young, or relax, or to print more valuable national currency notes. Print more as in make more money - it's just a metaphor (just in case this blog is ever found by trouble finders who seem to need to put people behind bars.). I have set some goals for myself - to pass these papers with at least some colours, if they can't fly. I am running out of time... and in all seriousness and truthfulness, I have yet to prepare for the teleconference I have invited everyone around Malaysia to join. Speech is a must to prepare. After so much mess throughout all these years, I have learnt that preparation and planning are siamese twins where if you operate them they will die so will you. If using the phrase is an offensive statement to many then in another way I'd put it would be as the most passionate, addicted lovers who cannot live without one another. I am profoundly shallow, if that makes any sense at all. 

Beautiful, noisy minded Saturday afternoon. 

family first

Without family, we wouldn't be where we are right now.

Without their prayers, we would still be in the past, struggling to get out somewhere.

We are still struggling. We are still undoubtedly struggling, but our struggles are made easy because of our family. 

It's all about the family - it should be 90% about family, and 10% about self. 

I'll just provide the simplest example, the smallest family ever. Dear and myself. Myself is myself. For an example, if I loved dancing, which I do not, and dear prefers going to the mountains, I would prefer going to the mountains with him because going to the mountains may create more memories for me with him, rather than going for dance on my own. 

Just an EXAMPLE. 

No dancing or going to the mountains, okay...

A more realistic example would be this: 

Dear prefers watching captain America in the civil war or whatever you call it. 

And I prefer watching Mother. You know, the mother's day movie... about mothers... duh. 

In the end, from my end, I will give in to watch captain America with him, rather than going to watch Mother on my own - unless he says fine, let's go watch Mother. 

Okay, enough of achieving a non-achievement which is blogging for no reason. Let me get back to achieving my real sense of achievement. 

I miss my family. 

new life in March

we are blessed with great parents. literally dear's parents, in this case, even though legally my parents since i'm tied to him for life.

only the one above all things knows what they have done for us.

-------- this is a very, very delayed continued post--------

dear's parents ... my in laws... they are really, really wonderful. they helped us in any way that they can. they are just there somehow, to help out, reminding  me that i have a family here...reminding me that i am loved. 

New Life, because we are finally settled in our own crib ... still abah's for now, but at least we are not paying to borrow cribs from strangers anymore. it's really a blessing. Allah loves us all... Allah does. 

from the bottom of my heart, even though this is such a short post, i would like to announce to whomever is able to read this - that i am really grateful to be married to my dearie dear husband, even though we quarrel 99.32% of the time. this is the path Allah has set for us, and whatever it is, we are only able to plan, but Allah decides. 

another short update just to remind myself for no reason .... i miss home as in my home home, and most of all i wish i could go back to see my grandma who just got out of the operation. like jaclyn said, we are such a small family but it's a good thing that we love each other and we are very close to each other. i love my mamah! 

okay, that's all i'd like to say for now. 

My Money should be in My Power

Gone were the days when I foolishly felt that getting a job with a fixed monthly 2k Ringgit currency was enough for life. 

8 years ago, while in the search of a career, I innocently, a pure dabbler, had thought that a fixed income would do the feeding to the body and soul. I was an egoistic superhero with words - criticizing those with debts, those with jobs yet failed to separate oneself with the verb "owe",  believing immaculately that such nonsense would not fall unto me. The level of confidence made itself a promise that if ever a decent monthly salary were in my grasp, the veto power to control the salary outflow would be all mine.

I was dead wrong. 

But I was not the only one.

Most employees would have at least the same thought, if not a high percentage of similarity with mine, at the beginning of an employment of their first job. 

And then, the environment would start giving some sort of pressure to us. We start needing a car. An upgrade toa new phone; the latest one, if possible. And then a new laptop. And then new clothes and shoes and handbags - though it is not necessarily a need. And then comes 'the' credit card. And then the benefits of swiping credit cards - the convenience of it, especially when there is an imaginary need of fine dining (just because!). And then a loan, to settle off the credit card outstanding. The mind loses. Desire wins. From one loan to another - as long as the eligibility is awake! Then, unsure of how life brings us to one steep curve - where bills are stalled, and the registered debt collectors start calling the phones - and expensive gadget just keeps giving more stress instead of its initial purpose as a thing which supposedly brings pleasure. 

Well... despite this category of people with me in it, there is another category out there who do savings more than damages! This is the category I am trying to get in now... one which is quite hard to enter - but I know I am getting there... :-) 

Thank you.

Unplanned Family Trip

The last time we had such a family trip was earlier this year...when we went for our cousin's wedding in Kedah. It was fun,of course, the Kedah trip.
This trip to visit our doctor brother was also unplanned,but good, nevertheless. We stayed at his place, and went to the zoo today before heading back home. Such adventures, though I hated the massive amount of people at the zoo, since it's a long Holiday. The exhaled air of so many people...the contagious sweat for some, gosh! If it wasn't for the family, I wouldn't have agreed to go to such crowded place, despite my love for animals.
Well, it was worth seeing the smiles on the parents' faces when everyone is around.
Signing off for now - gonna continue my The Wild Child book which I got for myself from the recycle centre that also supports a single parent foundation.

my little surprise

Dear got me a ring on my 30th birthday! I'm so thrilled! I was so touched I almost cried... he is just so nice to me... I wonder when had he gotten this romantic...

It's already so late, and I shall stop here. I will write more.

Love you, dear.

forevermore...

jimmy died today

it's been a while since this blog, or my other blog , has been updated. i'm not even sure when was the last time i had logged in. i had been wanting to fix my other blogs with image issue, but i just can't seem to prioritize this! 

this year is almost ending, and many things have been happening. i have achieved many things this year, and i have of course, lost some this year too. my loss would be more like, missing out appointments with friends. you know those so called words of wisdom thingie which give people (dumb people, in that sense..., including myself sometimes)the "oohh, yea.. it's true..." response... those are bullshit. okay, i have not even gone to the example. one example would be : "people are never busy, they are just prioritizing.." or something like that... is total bull to the shit. why do i say so? when you have too many things on your plate - something which you need, must do, and it's something with a deadline just because it involves many parties, will definitely take up your time! of course, the jimmy died today story does give everyone the so called awareness that friends / relatives are indeed important. however, now yes i use the word however here, because it means that i am trying to justify or defend something here - however, it is sometimes a situation - or too many times a situation, which we are not able to avoid. i always think that friends do no need extravaganza superb day-to-day or hour-to-hour contact, but friends need to say good things about their own friends, and they need to be understanding, especially in the world of adult, especially when one has other commitments, has family, seriously have something more important to be done. of course, sometimes when i am let down by friends just because they are busy with something else, i would pout too - but there is no reason for me to stab the friend in the back. okay, no one has done that to me so far - not in my knowledge anyway, because it's intentionally at the "back". alright, i'm going to cut the crap now, and going to be more serious now. 

let's look at my schedule : it's packed. sorry. Kidding! well, it makes me frown more than it brings me smiles when all i need to do is to force myself to cash out some money that i am not sure i have, just to please people. then again... jimmy died today.

among others...

the last 3 weeks had been such a rush for me. in some of the rushing, dear had been a really nice angel to me. he had helped easing my burden.

i conducted training in malacca & kuching. i loved it. initially i hated the system which made everyone unhappy, but in the end i got to master the one thing many people hated (of course, i hated it at first too, and i hated how it made the users suffer), and i had in the end learned to like it. it was not that bad.

i was glad i was able to be among the first few people that new comers get to meet, and to have met them first before others, though i prefer working behind the curtain. that's right, i dislike being out there, even though it always gives me the kind of satisfaction which i never once anticipated. to me, talking in a crowd had been a very heavy burden, because i hated it, and i hated the commitment of my words. not sure how Allah has planned it for me, but Allah had made the job i hated the most as my career right now! :) Hahaha life is really hard to predict, is it not?

Allah may have not given us a child just yet, but dear is given a wife who loves him to the bones, and he is also given the best parents ever...and i am blessed with a family and a job i love.
there's a lot to be thankful for, if you ask me...

lately, i had been thinking that it's a little pointless, achieving so much on earth, if our journey to heaven is not taken care of.

at times, i have waves and waves of guilt for not being there for my family;  my mum, my grandma, my aunt, my two sisters... not being able to earn enough for everyone to have a great life, not starting my assignment early, forgetting friends... and that sometimes or most of the time, dear does what i am supposed to be doing at home... preparing food, washing dishes, washing clothes...

whatever it is , there are many things to be thankful about - this i am very sure.