Ironically, this is posted here on the public page. Public is just the name, though it is indeed an open link - to remind me to not write dishonoring details about this sacred official love tie that I have with my other half. In fact, the word "half" isn't a very correct word to use in a marriage where we are sometimes too blended as one - too complacent ; causing the pure absence of shame or courtesy at times. Now that it's written in words, gosh it sounds terrible. We are two complete people, with own perceptions which may be influenced by each other in time (as I have mentioned; blended), attitudes; which also have the same potential to blend, as well as all others which can be developed from time to time - like beliefs, or interests, habits, culture - whatever it is that is related in our breathing moments. There is one thing, though, which cannot ever be changed: our backgrounds - which in fact bring us to a place where we sometimes argue with one another, or disagree (aren't they the same thing?), and which also cause our approaches to be different. This is too deep, so F it okay? I don't want to start on my assignment yet - not here. No psychological shit to be written down here. Perhaps I have done so, perhaps I am doing it now - who cares.
Well, no one knows. No one knows what our struggles are. I wouldn't know yours too, if I don't ask you about it. OR if I don't make myself a CCTV of your life - to watch you and observe you.
No one knows how hard it is to - hold back a tear when you get to finally - fill an essential need.
No one knows how hard it is to tell the truth about - your struggles.
No one knows how hard it is to struggle.
No one knows how hard it is to put up a smile or to go on a normal routine - staging up to get through the days - to avoid questions, to avoid breaking down.
No one knows how hard it is to keep a secret - to not be able to tell - to be trapped in - forget it. It's not a secret, it's just -
I have no justification on the repetition writing. Some words are not able to be blurted out. Simple words which mean something are not all the time simple words to be blurted out smoothly.
I just personally feel like this world has no easy answers. Not in my life, not in my parents', perhaps. It's mostly what they say grey areas, loopholes, whatever you call it - the in-between(s). The relations of whys and because(s) are just too complicated. I admit, I am highly inarticulate, which makes me a terrible communicator, but I cannot ignore the enormous routes of relations like the root cause or actions or maybes to a problem, or to a statement. It's never easy, is it?
For an example;
Problem: I am poor (and they say I can't say this because it means I am not being thankful and that I am complaining which will upset the Almighty One)
Possible causes:
(1) I did not ask for a higher salary (inner or outer voice : don't blame yourself because you are already doing your best. It's much better than before, okay! )
(2) I am not hardworking enough to work two jobs (voice: you are fat and tired all the time, and you have more than enough in your plates - your never ending assignments, your never ending work which is never ending. you have not even re-watched The Never Ending Story I, II, & III)
(3) My husband is not rich (voice : it's fate. accept him as it is)
(4) My husband is not hardworking enough to work more than a job (voice : there's roof above my head, I have a place to sleep, I have food to consume to live, and I probably have extra food to eat which could reverse the phrase into live to eat. so, don't complain. he's tired too... he's only human. he's - okay next)
(5) My family isn't rich (voice : it's not your dang fault. you should make it better for them, but please read back the problem.)
(6) I don't know how to kiss ass (voice : you can't pretend, it won't last. you know yourself better than anyone else. you can't even pretend to smile. the smile never reaches your eyes and you give away too much, and then confrontations normally come - or awkward moments. Always!)
(7) I have no management sense in my own financial. I suck at it. ( but Y.O.L.O!)
(8) I don't pray enough ( voices on facebook and sometimes from religion experts : praying has to be sincere otherwise it will not work - too obvious to be written down, or verbally produced)
And, remember all the Could Have(s), Should Have(s), If Only(s)? These too!
For no apparent reason:
Side thinking and defenses, and sometimes imaginary replies to imaginary statements:-
Side thinking and defenses, and sometimes imaginary replies to imaginary statements:-
I acknowledge that some races are pretty lazy and relaxed in every situation. Being poor is an unfortunate state any human can be in.
For an example:
Race A lady is poor and lazy. And some unfortunate tests are cast upon her. She is all alone, and ... sad.
Race B lady is doing fine, because she's hardworking and wiser - perhaps because she learns it the hard way. She probably learns it from her ancestors. She probably has more senses. These tests are not cast upon her.
The story about Race A lady leaks on the social media.
However sad, Race A lady looks relaxed and accepts it as her written fate... and many good Samaritans willingly enslave themselves to ask for funds from the public out of humanity.
Secretly, Race B lady would think: Go get a job! Work hard! Why do you allow yourself to live in such pitiful life? It's laziness!
Seriously sometimes it scares me that I am able to tell from both sides. Is this just empathy, or is this a false compassion? OR ................. do I have multiple personality disorder? No, I don't. It's just past and experience.
My point here is, I am living in two worlds. I'm afraid it has caused me more fear than any trace of optimism. No one knows my true personality. Knowledge is good, but it causes dilemma - instead of giving me proud moments.
Good night.
