Silenced

Hello.
That's all I dare to give. Just this greeting. All other contents of my verbal actions may just betray everything on universe. Lying will cause my heart to hate me, my brain to degrade me of my intelligence, and of course - my soul to cry. Telling the truth will give a definite of nil solution (aha! now that I mention solution, I bet you can easily guess that my telling of the truth is linked to the word problem. Obviously it is, and I am not going to lie). So, I do what I do best - PREVARICATING!
Unless trapped in their parents' house with the strongest adherent of unicornish-rainbowism all their life, a person my age is sure to have problems. The only obvious variable here is the degree of criticality of the problem. (Criticality is not a formal word - it's more like a word found in the urban dictionary; but who is auditing me?!).

Let me just prevaricate a little further into the confusion you are already in. (Confusion, if you are not a critical thinker, because I am a wannabe. I want to be a critical thinker, so I am assuming that a critical thinker should be reading my critical writing. An amateur here. Please understand my joke.)
An insane person could own my name, one sweet day. This silence I am forced to be in by the situation surrounding it, together with the little respect I am owing, the avoidance of more abhor - is driving me to that direction of insanity at selected times. Logic reasoning is seemingly out of the broken window. I am therefore silenced, with the demand of fully integrated hopes and dreams, that peace holds the highest percentage in daily life pie chart.

Now, here is the power of silence. The cowardly power which had surfaced based on yet another silent observation.

Good Night. Sleeping is the best form of gamble (sometimes people don't wake up) - which has a high guarantee of achieving escapism as a gift.

Wallahualam.

No One Knows

Ironically, this is posted here on the public page. Public is just the name, though it is indeed an open link - to remind me to not write dishonoring details about this sacred official love tie that I have with my other half. In fact, the word "half" isn't a very correct word to use in a marriage where we are sometimes too blended as one - too complacent ; causing the pure absence of shame or courtesy at times. Now that it's written in words, gosh it sounds terrible. We are two complete people, with own perceptions which may be influenced by each other in time (as I have mentioned; blended), attitudes; which also have the same potential to blend, as well as all others which can be developed from time to time - like beliefs, or interests, habits, culture - whatever it is that is related in our breathing moments. There is one thing, though, which cannot ever be changed: our backgrounds - which in fact bring us to a place where we sometimes argue with one another, or disagree (aren't they the same thing?), and which also cause our approaches to be different. This is too deep, so F it okay? I don't want to start on my assignment yet - not here. No psychological shit to be written down here. Perhaps I have done so, perhaps I am doing it now - who cares. 

Well, no one knows. No one knows what our struggles are. I wouldn't know yours too, if I don't ask you about it. OR if I don't make myself a CCTV of your life - to watch you and observe you. 

No one knows how hard it is to - hold back a tear when you get to finally - fill an essential need. 

No one knows how hard it is to tell the truth about - your struggles. 

No one knows how hard it is to struggle. 

No one knows how hard it is to put up a smile or to go on a normal routine - staging up to get through the days - to avoid questions, to avoid breaking down. 

No one knows how hard it is to keep a secret - to not be able to tell - to be trapped in - forget it. It's not a secret, it's just - 

I have no justification on the repetition writing. Some words are not able to be blurted out. Simple words which mean something are not all the time simple words to be blurted out smoothly. 

I just personally feel like this world has no easy answers. Not in my life, not in my parents', perhaps. It's mostly what they say grey areas, loopholes, whatever you call it - the in-between(s). The relations of whys and because(s) are just too complicated. I admit, I am highly inarticulate, which makes me a terrible communicator, but I cannot ignore the enormous routes of relations like the root cause or actions or maybes to a problem, or to a statement. It's never easy, is it?

For an example; 

Problem: I am poor (and they say I can't say this because it means I am not being thankful and that I am complaining which will upset the Almighty One)

Possible causes: 

(1) I did not ask for a higher salary (inner or outer voice : don't blame yourself because you are already doing your best. It's much better than before, okay! )

(2) I am not hardworking enough to work two jobs (voice: you are fat and tired all the time, and you have more than enough in your plates - your never ending assignments, your never ending work which is never ending. you have not even re-watched The Never Ending Story I, II, & III) 

(3) My husband is not rich (voice : it's fate. accept him as it is) 

(4) My husband is not hardworking enough to work more than a job (voice : there's roof above my head, I have a place to sleep, I have food to consume to live, and I probably have extra food to eat which could reverse the phrase into live to eat. so, don't complain. he's tired too... he's only human. he's - okay next)

(5) My family isn't rich (voice : it's not your dang fault. you should make it better for them, but please read back the problem.) 

(6) I don't know how to kiss ass (voice : you can't pretend, it won't last. you know yourself better than anyone else. you can't even pretend to smile. the smile never reaches your eyes and you give away too much, and then confrontations normally come - or awkward moments. Always!)

(7) I have no management sense in my own financial. I suck at it. ( but Y.O.L.O!)

(8) I don't pray enough ( voices on facebook and sometimes from religion experts : praying has to be sincere otherwise it will not work - too obvious to be written down, or verbally produced)

And, remember all the Could Have(s), Should Have(s), If Only(s)? These too!

For no apparent reason:
Side thinking and defenses, and sometimes imaginary replies to imaginary statements:-

I acknowledge that some races are pretty lazy and relaxed in every situation. Being poor is an unfortunate state any human can be in. 

For an example: 

Race A lady is poor and lazy. And some unfortunate tests are cast upon her. She is all alone, and ... sad.

Race B lady is doing fine, because she's hardworking and wiser - perhaps because she learns it the hard way. She probably learns it from her ancestors. She probably has more senses. These tests are not cast upon her. 

The story about Race A lady leaks on the social media. 

However sad, Race A lady looks relaxed and accepts it as her written fate... and many good Samaritans willingly enslave themselves to ask for funds from the public out of humanity. 

Secretly, Race B lady would think: Go get a job! Work hard! Why do you allow yourself to live in such pitiful life? It's laziness! 

Seriously sometimes it scares me that I am able to tell from both sides. Is this just empathy, or is this a false compassion? OR ................. do I have multiple personality disorder? No, I don't. It's just past and experience. 

My point here is, I am living in two worlds. I'm afraid it has caused me more fear than any trace of optimism. No one knows my true personality. Knowledge is good, but it causes dilemma - instead of giving me proud moments.

Good night. 

bitter

at times... yeap i love to use this phrase so leave me alone.

at times... i AM bitter. leave me be.
people who still love me during this kind of time when sarcasm gives me the best pleasure and obnoxious attitude relieves me from the hypocritical dizziness, are the people who are still by my side. for an example, my other bitter half.

i do describe us as two disgusting, bittersome duo made of ogre's temper  but we are not. we are just two lazy people waiting for the right time for things to go right.

that's it. stop bothering me with imaginary questions inside my head.

i know you don't get a single thing i am saying, but you shouldn't.

read for pleasure, not for understanding; if the materials you are reading are not:

1.) an agreement
2.) a manual
3.) a memo
4.) a letter
5.) instructions
6.) academic

is that alright with you?

Kung o.k. lang sayo. (tagalog)

signing off with the darkest chocolate ever produced. 200% cocoa!

Perfect Few Hours

With the last few days of struggles with those heartless papers, I lost a good deal of sleep, I fought to stay away from my source of happiness - my books and movies and romantic times with dear...

Last night I finally had the chance to watch a fantastic movie Love, Rosie. I read the book more than ten years ago, and I loved it. The movie - oh my, it is just the perfect type of movie I love - something between reality and fantasy. The writer was only 23 when she wrote the story! I'm proud of her! Okay, she isn't my daughter, but I am still proud of her!  She's Irish - and of course we are not related. Except maybe through the first line - because we're all from prophet Adam. 

Back to the point - Cecelia Ahern rocks. So beautiful ; so serene-looking and definitely has the mind filled with such focused imagination.

 

When I read this book back in my younger days, I thought it was hilarious and magical. Now, 12 years later, I watch the movie and the magical feeling just resurfaces. I mean, I should have believed that true love is mere fantasy, should have known that there is only such thing as marriage and responsibility - now that I'm married, with responsibilities. OF course loveship and bestfriendship and soulmateship really happen in a marriage, but well, true love is more like - a fantasy. The love that I have now is more like love and care for family - not the butterfly in my stomach kind. (Additional Info : butterflies are probably intoxicated in my acidic stomach, and they probably drown in those saturated fat). My point is - FINE, I don't particularly have a great point here - I just want to say that I watched the movie happily last night, and went to sleep and had a great dream about me being back in hometown, with the usual routine of having afternoon tea with my grandma, and woke up happy, because I had sufficient sleep, with a bonus of a peaceful dream. And I woke up and made myself some breakfast, since my husband was still asleep, I watched another movie which I thought was only a chick flick, but made me cry like a suffocated elephant. It was a good movie, nevertheless. Name of movie : If I Stay. But yea, those were my perfect few hours. I can't wait for the whole examination to be over in order to feel fully liberated for a good 2 months or more. 

I love chick flicks. What's wrong with that...? 

I love The Walking Dead too, which is not a chick flick. It's a friggin zombie flick! 23rd October, peeps! (Just in case more than 1 person reads this blog..HAHAHA)

Good night, world! it's 1.21 A.M. 

Quiet Saturday

Others are still in the melodic mood of the muslim festival - taking this chance to visit , keep in touch with their loved ones - near and far - which perhaps would be awkward if done at any other time of the year. 

My introverted other half is getting some payback sleep since his insomniac disease cannot seem to cure - despite coffee-less, full milky night. Milky as in the successful attempt to drink warm milk, for once an obedience portrayed by him towards the traditional advice around the world - in the most literal sense. This is a clean statement -  even though I am unsure of the reason of the necessity I find to provide the explanation. 

I, on the other hand, try to resist all the forceful attempt in reading those fictions which I can hear calling my name, to visit my half-written so-called fiction, and to colour those pages purchased for the fun and therapy - as some put it; to reluctantly focus on the past year papers at this age - the age to nurture the young, or relax, or to print more valuable national currency notes. Print more as in make more money - it's just a metaphor (just in case this blog is ever found by trouble finders who seem to need to put people behind bars.). I have set some goals for myself - to pass these papers with at least some colours, if they can't fly. I am running out of time... and in all seriousness and truthfulness, I have yet to prepare for the teleconference I have invited everyone around Malaysia to join. Speech is a must to prepare. After so much mess throughout all these years, I have learnt that preparation and planning are siamese twins where if you operate them they will die so will you. If using the phrase is an offensive statement to many then in another way I'd put it would be as the most passionate, addicted lovers who cannot live without one another. I am profoundly shallow, if that makes any sense at all. 

Beautiful, noisy minded Saturday afternoon. 

family first

Without family, we wouldn't be where we are right now.

Without their prayers, we would still be in the past, struggling to get out somewhere.

We are still struggling. We are still undoubtedly struggling, but our struggles are made easy because of our family. 

It's all about the family - it should be 90% about family, and 10% about self. 

I'll just provide the simplest example, the smallest family ever. Dear and myself. Myself is myself. For an example, if I loved dancing, which I do not, and dear prefers going to the mountains, I would prefer going to the mountains with him because going to the mountains may create more memories for me with him, rather than going for dance on my own. 

Just an EXAMPLE. 

No dancing or going to the mountains, okay...

A more realistic example would be this: 

Dear prefers watching captain America in the civil war or whatever you call it. 

And I prefer watching Mother. You know, the mother's day movie... about mothers... duh. 

In the end, from my end, I will give in to watch captain America with him, rather than going to watch Mother on my own - unless he says fine, let's go watch Mother. 

Okay, enough of achieving a non-achievement which is blogging for no reason. Let me get back to achieving my real sense of achievement. 

I miss my family. 

new life in March

we are blessed with great parents. literally dear's parents, in this case, even though legally my parents since i'm tied to him for life.

only the one above all things knows what they have done for us.

-------- this is a very, very delayed continued post--------

dear's parents ... my in laws... they are really, really wonderful. they helped us in any way that they can. they are just there somehow, to help out, reminding  me that i have a family here...reminding me that i am loved. 

New Life, because we are finally settled in our own crib ... still abah's for now, but at least we are not paying to borrow cribs from strangers anymore. it's really a blessing. Allah loves us all... Allah does. 

from the bottom of my heart, even though this is such a short post, i would like to announce to whomever is able to read this - that i am really grateful to be married to my dearie dear husband, even though we quarrel 99.32% of the time. this is the path Allah has set for us, and whatever it is, we are only able to plan, but Allah decides. 

another short update just to remind myself for no reason .... i miss home as in my home home, and most of all i wish i could go back to see my grandma who just got out of the operation. like jaclyn said, we are such a small family but it's a good thing that we love each other and we are very close to each other. i love my mamah! 

okay, that's all i'd like to say for now. 

My Money should be in My Power

Gone were the days when I foolishly felt that getting a job with a fixed monthly 2k Ringgit currency was enough for life. 

8 years ago, while in the search of a career, I innocently, a pure dabbler, had thought that a fixed income would do the feeding to the body and soul. I was an egoistic superhero with words - criticizing those with debts, those with jobs yet failed to separate oneself with the verb "owe",  believing immaculately that such nonsense would not fall unto me. The level of confidence made itself a promise that if ever a decent monthly salary were in my grasp, the veto power to control the salary outflow would be all mine.

I was dead wrong. 

But I was not the only one.

Most employees would have at least the same thought, if not a high percentage of similarity with mine, at the beginning of an employment of their first job. 

And then, the environment would start giving some sort of pressure to us. We start needing a car. An upgrade toa new phone; the latest one, if possible. And then a new laptop. And then new clothes and shoes and handbags - though it is not necessarily a need. And then comes 'the' credit card. And then the benefits of swiping credit cards - the convenience of it, especially when there is an imaginary need of fine dining (just because!). And then a loan, to settle off the credit card outstanding. The mind loses. Desire wins. From one loan to another - as long as the eligibility is awake! Then, unsure of how life brings us to one steep curve - where bills are stalled, and the registered debt collectors start calling the phones - and expensive gadget just keeps giving more stress instead of its initial purpose as a thing which supposedly brings pleasure. 

Well... despite this category of people with me in it, there is another category out there who do savings more than damages! This is the category I am trying to get in now... one which is quite hard to enter - but I know I am getting there... :-) 

Thank you.