Warning : Below context written in tears. Hehehe..
To all the racist people out there - and shallow minds of course - please equip yourself with more knowledge than ever to prepare yourselves for a better country. This comes because of some remarks saying that - never mind, I don't want to say a single thing about it here because it pisses me off.
To all the racist people out there - and shallow minds of course - please equip yourself with more knowledge than ever to prepare yourselves for a better country. This comes because of some remarks saying that - never mind, I don't want to say a single thing about it here because it pisses me off.
So... I miss home, Kuching. I have in fact missed out 3 years of celebrations - the last time I celebrated Chinese New Year was back in 2010. Then again, before all these years, I had been celebrating this celebration since I was born. I miss my home town... I had been brought up like a Chinese - the only thing that differs me from a real, pure Chinese would be my name - because I carried Martin as my surname. Apart from that, all the superstitious were Chinese based. The hygiene came from there too. The loathe of slowness and laziness also from there - and I don't know, the whole family is from there? My pure Chinese mother and my 50% of Chinese father with the Chinese dominance had brought about all these. We are practically a Chinese family.
From a Roman Catholic by religion, I had converted (reverted) to becoming a Muslim. This is not going to sound beautiful to many, but most people are somehow associating Muslim with Malay merely because of the country itself - no blaming here, I still love this country - don't throw me out of this country filled with memories. Well, in Malaysia, whoever is a Malay, is born a Muslim. That's how it works. Leaving Islam will cost you your nationality? I'm unsure, but I know it's nearly impossible to do so. Then again, who would want to leave Islam?? I'd like to be very honest here. Being a Muslim is not hard. It's beautiful. Covering up gives me a reason to remember Allah, to remember that a Muslim woman should cover up her awra'. And, people with shallow minds (sorry, whoever you are... as long as this crosses your mind) think that I have become a Malay. How is that evolutionarily possible? I was born a Melanau Chinese and I will die as that itself. Growing up being in a totally different community, beliefs, and circle of friends, I don't know how I had accepted this change in me so willingly. Then again, all my other family and members - my only true friends and family members - who matter to me more than anything else at times - sometimes kind of put a dart through my heart - ACCIDENTALLY, I'd say. That hurts me more than ever, really. Then again, these are times I should be quiet because at this kind of time, is the time when I cannot turn to anyone without making the other party hate the other. This is the real stress that I go through - yet never know who to tell it to, what to say about it... This is silence and I just don't know how to put all these into words so that my heart is clear. Converting to Islam belief does not make me a different race - it's the belief and the faith that I have that has been renewed and restored. That does not separate me from the rest of you, my own family and friends. Then again I'm used to being in the middle - my other Chinese friends take me as an outlier, my non-Chinese friends think of me as a Chinese. Throughout my whole life, there had been people initially thinking that I am a Chinese, and then when I mentioned my official (written in birth cert) race, they are like, "Oh..." and then start being careless when talking about Chinese race... and that's an Ouch. Being a Muslim and choosing Islam is my choice -MY CHOICE. One man wished me Happy Chinese New Year... even though I met him with my Hijab on...he knew me way before this - and I was..... happy. I was really happy that he did not judge what was on me. Sadly, (ARRGgghhhhh I'm in tears... I'm super homesick and I wanna go home - yet my family members do no think that I would want to celebrate this festive season. None of them has called me to wish me Happy Chinese New Year- the only person who had wished me is Jaclyn... ) some friends wish me half-heartedly... I don't know anymore. It just suddenly feels like I am all alone. Maybe people take this as a mode of betrayal - a form of betrayal? I don't feel included in anything. I was never really am the main character in anything. I seriously feel lonely in this. Sometimes the definition comes to you... without you needing to find it out.
